Please note. This page follows a previous post found on our blog page.

How does our attachment impact on how we cope in challenging times?

We all have a predominant attachment style – what we might call our ‘default’ attachment pattern. Equally, when we are under stress or pressure (for instance when separated from others) we may move from one pattern to another; for example, from a secure pattern of relating to an avoidant or anxious way of coping. Learning and developing an awareness of our tendencies can help us to prepare ways to better respond to our needs during challenging times. As our patterns of attachment are fundamental in shaping our experiences of disconnection and loss, our attachment patterns are likely to have an impact on how we cope with the consequences of the pandemic as these experiences have become a more prominent feature of our daily life. 

When we are coping within an avoidant attachment pattern we find it hard to be close to others and lack confidence that they can cope with our struggles and meet our needs for comfort and security. We try to be independent and rely on ourselves to an unhelpful extent. We also tend to ignore and push down emotions and feelings related to loved ones. We disconnect from distress and can push those closest to us away. On the other hand, if we are coping from an anxious ambivalent position we are highly ‘tuned-in’ and sensitive to signs that others love or are rejecting of us. We may have thoughts related to how others do not care about us resulting in further upset for us. Because of the fears of others rejecting us we make special efforts to get close to them, intensifying our efforts to feel close.

How can an understanding of attachment help us to cope with COVID-19 restrictions?

We hope that by considering the different experiences and patterns associated with the different attachment styles then you may have developed a sense of your own tendencies within relationships. It is important not to use this approach in an over-simplified way in which we ‘label’ ourselves with an attachment type, rather to use it to help guide a way for alternative and more helpful patterns – one which prevents old patterns getting in the way of the connection and solidarity that we may need in the upcoming months. You may have found that you relate through secure patterns, and we hope that this blog may offer some helpful thoughts and suggestions about times when you have felt less secure or helped bring a different perspective to understanding the needs of others.

As a first step, you may wish to use the dimensional model to further understand your attachment patterns through tracing key relationships on the graph. It might help to map this with a few people, starting with (1) the person you would want to tell first if you achieved something good. (2) The person you want to be with when you are feeling upset or down and (3) The person you don't like to be away from. (questions taken from the WHOTO interview; Hazan, Hutt, Sturgeon, and Bricker, 1991; Hazan and Zeifman,1994)